Editors Note: Doug is unemployed. A film
major with considerable skills but little formal
training or any related work experience, Doug has decided to employ
unorthodox methods to find a job. As part of a periodic series that
will last until Doug finds employment (or is forced to
leave New York a beaten man), we will occasionally print cover letters
that he sends to real prospective employers. If for some
reason they respond, we'll print that too.
Today: A response to a Craigslist
casting call by MTV looking for people with "scars" (Sadly now removed).
Kickass MTV Casting Dudes:
I
read your ad on Craigslist looking for people with scars. No
one points to me and says, “Now there’s one crazy
motherfucker!” They point and say other things, but
you’re not interested in that. In many ways,
I’m quite conservative and reserved. I
haven’t lost an eye base-jumping in the Amazon while drinking
a Diet Mountain Dew. I haven’t permenantly
disfigured my face while free-climbing a sky scraper in Kuala
Lumpur. I don’t have an oddly shaped left forearm
because I broke it in three different places by landing on my friend
after jumping from our suburban roof in our underground
backyard wrestling video. I haven’t peeled of half
my face during a 96 hour meth bender. My rear end
wasn’t scarred after a childhood separation from my
tragically
deceased Siamese twin.
 |
| The MTV of '91 would
have responded |
I should tell you right now, I don’t
have any visible
scars. Emotional scars, you ask? Grooves in my
heart left by an abusive alcoholic father and an overprotective
mother? The knowledge of that same alcoholic abandoning me on
the day of my first communion? The pedophile priest who
molested me for seven years? The mother who refused to
believe me? The girl who laughed at me after our first
kiss? Scars left by women I thought I loved who slept with
friends I thought I could trust? These growing feelings of
inadequacy? Certainly. I have emotional scars.
I don’t know if these will interest you.
I mean, it’s not like I can send you a photo of my scars and
I definitely don’t have video…although I am prone
to crying when placed under bright lights and asked probing questions.
Perhaps that will make some “good televison” for
you. And making good television is what I want to do.
Therefore, I’ve attached my resume to
this email. I have a both Film and Media Studies and English Literature
degree from the University of Rochester and would like to know if there
are any openings at MTV or one of its affiliated networks. As I hope my
resume demonstrates, I am multi-talented and look forward to hearing
back from you.
Sincerely,
Doug Battenhausen
Editors Note: For whatever reason, Doug did not
receive a response. He initially concluded that they had enough other
applicants with actual "physical" scars. But then
several days later, the advertisement was reposted. Accordingly, Doug
sent a follow up letter
Kick-Ass MTV Casting Dudes and Dudettes:
It’s me, again. I noticed you have a new
ad on Craigslist. It’s practically identical to the
one
you posted last week! For some reason my gmail inbox has been
suspiciously devoid
of replies from MTV. What’s wrong, Music Television?
Aren’t there enough careless white middle class young people
in America who were scarred doing something X-treme? Aren’t
there enough amateur videographers out there filming careless white
middle class young people doing X-treme things? Some dude can use his
RAZR to film Michael Richards using the N-word as the Klan intended and
I can get photos of Britney Spears’s underimpressive snatch
on the internet five minutes after she spreads ‘em, right?
What about footage of John Boy losing his arm at the tractor pull?
So
much for the proliferation and democratization of technology.
Keeping true to my promise, (Remember my promise?
When I said I wanted to make good television? I keep my promises.)
I’ve been looking for people with scars. I was at a bar alone
the other night and I saw a guy with this totally rad scar on his face.
I said, “HOW did you get THAT? People must ALWAYS ask you
about your SCAR!” He gave me a shocked look, as if to accuse
me of being insensitive, and told me it was a birthmark. “Has
anyone ever filmed it,” I asked, “because
that’s what I REALLY WANT TO SEE.” I was asked to
leave before he could answer.
 |
They gave Jesse Camp a show,
why not Doug? |
Despite our mutual inability to find good
footage, I
decided to go out last week and get a scar of my own. I convinced my
roommate’s girlfriend to film me riding a bike, performing a
lot of cool stunts like those guys do on MTV. When I tried to bike down
a flight of stairs, I fell and saw some blood. Becky even got it on
tape. I was thrilled! Unfortunately, I only skinned my knee. Becky
laughed at me for crying, but I swear I was only trying to make her
laugh. I’m a really good actor. It didn’t really
hurt, I swear.
I could send you a photo of my skinned knee, but
it’s scabbed over and not nearly as red as when I got it.
It’s not a SCAR, but I do have footage…and
that’s apparently what you REALLY WANT TO
SEE…Damnit! What’s wrong with me, MTV?!
Weren’t my emotional scars enough? I spilled my guts to you,
gave you all I had, and it wasn’t enough to get on your scar
show. What do you want?! I already think the whole world is laughing at
me, just like Mother said. I might as well go on your show, cry on
camera, and make it official. Want to see me cry on Next?! Made?!
Goddamn Room Raiders?!
So I’m going to try again. This is your
last chance, MTV, at least until you make another Craigslist post
asking for
scar footage. Although, this might make a good True Life episode, you
know, “True Life: I Want to Be on MTV,” because
then it would be kind of ironical. Then again, you probably
wouldn’t respond because my situation isn’t
“true” enough, even though I’ve emailed
you twice to get on your network. And I assure you, my desire is as
true as any heavily-edited episode of True Life and as honest as the
Real World.
Maybe you just don’t
“do” irony on MTV.
You know what? Fuck this. I wash my hands of you
and your faux-rebellious network. I’m going to call myself a
“comedian” and email Best Week Ever.
Sincerely,
Doug Battenhausen
Editors Note: To date, the "Kick-Ass MTV
Casting Dudes and Dudettes" have not responded.
|
